§Tarotical Theory§

2011-09-01T00:31:00.005+08:00

I'm glad the least expected person around me could help me ease my mind. I guess I can say I'm plain lucky. However, helping me doesn't mean it's helping with the situation. My hope is still not high, but whatever he said made me realise there is more to do to savage the supposedly helpless status quo. Not much, but still a bit more.

I bet my friends cannot understand how I got myself back together and still chose to take on the same path after seeing I had already given up most of the hope. Time, money, all these seem expendable as long as I can pull this through, or at least, until I can see the end of everything. If not then it totally defeats the whole purpose of why I'm doing this in the first place. It's the personal experience that I value. Or am I just simply too willful and not sensible enough? It probably doesn't matter at all. Maybe the end is just around the corner.

Nevertheless, I have done my part. No regrets.

2011-08-30T01:56:00.000+08:00

The change in me has begun. I don't really understand how I'm feeling. Either I have finally gotten used to the way we are handling the distance, or I'm just simply caring less and not giving a damn. Communication is the key, but at our current stage it's not gonna be much help, not at all until we see each other again for the first time after we made the decision.

Still, I'm looking forward to the trip, and nervous at the same time. Despite that I have a more-than-usual number of good friends of the opposite sex, something I have been trying to tone down and keep low ever since I committed myself to this long distance relationship, I'm not really a good handler of sexual tension when I'm around certain girls, or a natural, in the language of the game or whatever my friends and their people call it. I have so many mental images but I guess I won't know what exactly will happen until I'm in that kind of situation. Fingers crossed.

2011-08-27T00:01:00.002+08:00

One and a half day of tranquility, in exchange for the totally messed up state of mind. It only happened to me once before. This is different. It's not my usual moodiness. It's anxiety and frustration. I feel like a volcano that is going to explode in any minute. I have absolutely no idea how long I can take it in this state.

You reap what you sow. There is slight hesitation, but I'm not regretting. I knew it would be difficult, so I jumped in without giving it too much thought. Burn down all my bridges, that's the way I have been doing things all the time. Still, I'm not really good at enduring tortures like this.

2011-08-26T00:36:00.003+08:00

Tired. Sure I am. I'm tired of myself being so easily affected by any small little things she does or does not. Maybe some people are just more compatible, and some are fated not. I don't really believe in the latter, at least I choose not to believe it is happening to us. I guess it all goes down to how much I can change, or rather, I'm willing to change. Giving up is not my style, and in the first place I didn't do all these just for her. I guess no one else can truly see the selfish side of mine on the whole thing, no matter how I put them into words. My patience is definitely running out. Who knows? It might turn out to be what it's supposed to be eventually quite nicely.

2011-08-16T00:17:00.002+08:00

I hate myself for being unable to contain my thoughts and emotions and let them accumulate and overflow every single time.

Why am I so doubtful and insecure about everything? .

2011-08-10T01:24:00.002+08:00

I guess this is the first time I'm totally letting my heart and emotions lead the way, and it's not gonna be easy. This is the most dangerous move I have made in my life. People say, don't think, just follow your instinct. I guess if it was the old me, I could have never done something so risky, and ridiculous. Do I want her to be the one? Definitely, without a doubt. Will she be the one? I've no idea, and I don't wanna fool myself. Relationships are bound to break up. I understand this very well, and yet I'm putting my heart and soul on this single bet that is never ending, until I miserably lose everything. If I fall this time, it will be a very hard one. There is no rationale behind what I'm doing, and I'm seriously not considering the consequences. I know I have gone crazy.

So this is how powerful it is.

2011-08-04T23:28:00.002+08:00

For every second I feel like letting it continue is a torture, but I won't allow myself to give up this time, just like everything else I'm aiming for right now.

2011-08-04T00:08:00.002+08:00

There is a song that has been stuck inside my head for a few days. I wanna listen to and sing along with it so much, but I dare not to let the thumping kick drum and bassline stop and switch to a song I know will get me depressed for the rest of the night.

Fuck. How can I fall for someone so deeply when she is not even anywhere around me.

2011-07-31T02:33:00.000+08:00

I'm really blessed with the uber-ly awesome friends I have met throughout the different stages of my life. They are the best one can ever ask for. Thanks for the help and everything. Words can never describe how lucky I am to have you as my best friends.

It has been 3 weeks, ups and downs, or everything was all just in my head. There has never been much hope. Nevertheless, I wanna see how far I can go. It will hurt along the way, and honestly I'm not really prepared for it. I don't think I will understand the line "I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all". I just wanna try. I'm not as strong, but for sure I feel more humane now.

2011-07-27T03:04:00.002+08:00

A real dilemma. It's a decision that will change my entire life.

You don't have to deal with it just yet.

My dear friend said I'm different ever since I was back from China. So was it her who changed me, or the one month back there did? I guess it doesn't matter.

I said I wouldn't contact her, but yet I'm talking to her every single day. Until then, I don't wish for anything more. I just want it to stay this way.

2011-07-21T01:51:00.002+08:00

I almost fell into the darkest nightmare I was afraid of, losing myself because of somebody else, and this time it has made me realise there is always a chance for me to give up everything I have longed for just for that special someone. I thought I was never that kind of person. The whole self-defensive mechanism I'm always equipped with seems to be weakened and shattering. I'm glad the distance between us actually pins me down onto the ground and keeps myself from being off the track. And most of all, if it wasn't because of her, I have no idea how long I would hesitate to make that decision.

Again, it has come true, for the 5th time. There is already too much drama. I don't need it anymore. For this one time I wanna treasure it, so save it for the future years when everything has already taken off.

Rise or fall. All or nothing. I don't have to remind myself how crucial this coming year will be to me.

Hope this euphoria within me will never fade.

2011-07-09T22:19:00.002+08:00

I'm trying hard not to think about her, but Facebook just seems to rub all the photos tagged with her and I right into my face. We never started, weren't going to at all. But I miss her every single second. Never had I thought of anyone and got my eyes filled with tears almost every single time. It just hurts so badly. Time, please faster pass me by, without me having to endure you all this while.

I guess having myself stayed out of relationships for so long has made my tolerance for pain non-existent.

2011-07-06T00:15:00.003+08:00

Some people once mattered in your life, and you just won't get to see them ever again. It sucks.

Everything is lying around, and I can't get shit done.

I need something to lighten up my mood badly. Probably that won't happen, until I quit. I wonder how much of a torture it is to wait until the end of year just for the pathetic $1872 AWS.

SGD keeps going up, the other thing that has been bothering me.

Need to talk to Mum. I feel like exploding any minute.

2011-04-27T02:38:00.003+08:00

Those phone calls had totally fucked up my mind. I know the probability of her ever calling me is equal to zero, but I just can't help but imagine those were from her. It's crazy how I'm missing everything right now, every single bit of the past, and the stupid stuff I did, which I should have gotten over long time ago.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time.

It doesn't hurt. It's just torturing.

Can't wait for next Sunday to come, then I can escape from the same scenery that is tormenting me every single day.

2011-04-22T04:37:00.001+08:00

Is it really you? Was it a mere coincidence? Can you just give me an answer and stop leaving me hanging?

2011-04-20T13:47:00.004+08:00

It's about 7 or 8 times have I received those anonymous calls, since the starting of last year if I'm not wrong. Somehow I'm not feeling annoyed at all. Call me crazy, every time I get a ring from an unknown number, I kind of wish the other side just remains silent, just like every other time. Then deep down I will hope those calls were all from that one specific person, and it will make me happy from within, honestly. After every small chapter ends, it just keeps going back to how I have been feeling on and off for the past 4 years. It's like a cycle I cannot break through, a black hole that I'm stuck inside forever. I hate this.

If there is something I can wish for just one more chance. No one has any idea how much I have been wishing for it.

How ironic. I had never understand everybody's liking for this song. It has been put on repeat in my iTunes since the starting of this post, and I'm quite feeling it right now.

2011-04-18T01:17:00.003+08:00

I saw the name, and my heart literally skipped a beat. I had never thought I would ever be able to see her again in my life.

So many different groups of people I need to meet up before I'm leaving. No more stupid stuff until I'm back from China.

Excited. Anticipating. Lost.

2011-04-15T02:26:00.002+08:00

2011-03-31T02:54:00.004+08:00

I had never wished for the ability of mind-reading, because it's plain childish and stupid. I trust my own judgment, no matter right or wrong, it's still me. Except one occasion.

Somehow this amusing thought just went across my head out of nowhere.

To think that some while ago I almost thought I did something much similar to it. How naive was I. Nothing even comes close to it.

Should've. Would've. Could've. And the What-ifs.

Can't believe it has been taken its toll on me for so long, and still counting.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, this may be a totally inappropriate follow-up for the above post. I'm just really digging this song at the moment. The housy synth jabs, obviously. By far one of my favourites from the album, right behind Hold It Against Me and Till The World Ends. What's Britney Spears without a little bit of context of sex?

2011-03-26T00:13:00.002+08:00

This is probably the gayest thing I have ever said. I love the time when it is just the two of us sitting at a hawker centre or mac talking about life, goals and stuff. I can say one of the greatest gifts in life I'm given is a friend like him.

Sidetracked for a few days, then after a one-hour chat, I got to realise: I don't have a choice, at all. It is not about getting over myself or being in a state of commitment. I simply do not have a choice. This is the only thing I can do, the only thing I want to do. Whatever happened in the past years, even until a few days earlier, still made me feel like falling once in a while, but now there is a clear no-entry sign on that half-opened door, reaffirming me that, I don't have a choice. Things are way too different. There is a much bigger price to pay now and I can't afford even the slightest hesitation. I need the absolute drive, which is only left with one condition to complete.

I know I sound desperate. I am. I can't wait any longer.

2011-03-20T02:00:00.001+08:00

Everyday seems so freaking long. What the hell is wrong with me?

2011-03-16T01:21:00.003+08:00

"If there is an attraction, there will be one. If there isn't, no point thinking if there is."

This was exactly what I had been looking for.

Thanks, my dear friend.

2011-03-15T00:27:00.010+08:00

What I am trying to avoid all the time is exactly what I need to motivate me. I knew this all the time, but it had never come back to me so strongly. Human brain is a powerful tool. It can make people feel what they priorly didn't. I hope this time I can let my heart take over control, but I'm just too rational for that. My sensibility always stops me from falling for someone. For this one time it is finally letting me go, my heart is pulling me back. The strange chemistry between us is only getting more and more unsettling. Something I had absolutely no idea would happen once again.

Imagine falling for the same person for a third time. That is plain stupid.

But however it may sound like my usual emo- or moodiness, I'm fine. I'm only saying those things 'coz they are on my mind right now. Funny how the turn of events goes. This is what I love about life. I like the way we are now, and I've got too many things to care about right now that this probably only comes in the third place in the What-Is-Fucking-My-Life contest.

I'm merely analyzing before anything actually takes place. Things are way too different than it was years ago.

When I was checking the stuff I posted back then for "cross-reference", I only managed to find these:

Things are getting a bit out of hands, just like always. I think I should change back to the role of spectator and watch how this freak show I directed is gonna end. This is getting funny.
"The only constant is change. Change is the only constant."
~~~~~~~
Lol at my messed-up life, seriously.
One week, to precipitate my thoughts, and put an end on everything.

Then I realised I deleted all those entries long time ago, for whatever reason I can vaguely remember now, and to be honest I'm not even sure those lines were referring to the same person. Somehow it amuses me badly. This is fun.

Lol at my messed-up life, seriously.

2011-02-28T23:15:00.004+08:00

Why does everything have to come back again?

If I wasn't that immature, what would it be like right now?

2011-02-25T01:35:00.001+08:00

I have to clear the top 3 things in my agenda by tomorrow. It's a matter of live or die and why the fuck am I still procrastinating?

2011-02-21T02:31:00.003+08:00

There are only so few things in my life that I have regretted doing, and what happened two nights ago was not one of them. It may lead to the severest consequences I can ever bear, but I did what I had to do. Guess all I can do is to behave, make less offences, lighten up my sins, and pray hard things can stay within control. I know I like my life to be unpredictable, but this kind of change is a bit too much. It's like striking a 5 billion lottery. It can easily kill me.

2011-02-19T07:05:00.000+08:00

After all sheer craziness, what is left?

I was never in the middle of the spectrum. I want to reach the other side, but I'm totally at the opposite, and not moving at all. I saw the end, and I get to see the beginning, every time. I'm the only one who is still standing still on my own ground. There is no way I can get out of it, not until the day I can get over myself. How long do I still need to pretend not to see the things I have already seen, and deceive myself for things that were never there in the first place?

Nothing changes. It was never about anyone, except me.

2011-02-14T03:22:00.008+08:00

Funny how I thought of 4 different girls in a mere hour, and traced all the way back to 8 years, 5 years, 2 years ago, and then right now. The most over-rated day ever. Who am I kidding?

The song that makes me wanna re-discover my R&B/Hip-Hop roots, and stare at the blank computer screen for two hours. The audio is in a freakishly low quality but I can't seem to find a better version online to post it here. I got the entire album in 320kbps downloaded though. Lol.

2011-01-13T20:58:00.002+08:00

Down for work for an entire week, suffered every single day and night of it and took 4 X-ray shots. Can a new year get better than this?

Have not been in any good mood at all since new year's eve, honestly speaking. Depressed, moody, emo, however you wanna put it. Still, I'm glad I'm not having these emotions because of any certain person. It's more just about me. Probably it is the momentary relapse just like every time. The stupid "idol" contest made me dig out all the MB20 songs, and now listening to Unwell, I want to figure out what exactly this depressing feeling is all about, but I've got no clue at all.

Oh ya, by the way, I was eliminated after performing this song, lol. Even had problem controlling my breath alone. It's kind of a shame that I couldn't get that 1000 bucks which I had so much confidence would definitely be mine. Well, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Now I'm just glad I can recover and move like a normal human being. Guess it is better than anything else.

I need an escape. Not like I have been doing a lot of work, obviously, but I hate the feeling of having people breathing down my neck. I just feel like running and hiding somewhere no one can reach or find me, just give me something I can blast my music and leave me along for a week or even a month. Or even a year. It doesn't matter anyway, since it won't happen.

I think I'm quite a funny person sometimes. One night one of my colleagues helped me download Words for Friends to play, and after sending the first word, I turned off its notifications and have never touched it since. My iPad has no push notice for anything, because I figure if it's something important I will remember to check, and so far it has nothing so crucial that I have to have it to prompt and disturb me. Sometimes when I see a SMS, I don't reply until half or an hour later. In the cases of emails and FB, even a day or two. I wanna reply whenever I want to, not because I have to. Mobile phone is more than enough to bind people, I don't need another thing to tie me up.

Just a side note, I do reply messages when I need to, even it means a simple Okay or Nope. I'm not one of those who just ignore and do not reply at all. Sadly, I happen to know quite a few people like this.

I guess I'm still too immature, because this is not a perfect world. There is no way I can have everything the way I want. Something simple as, when I want to do something, I can, and when I don't I don't have to, just won't happen. Despite all these, most of the time I still can get the way I want, or rather, behave the way I want without thinking about whether I should or not, which resulted in quite a few people at work disliking me. It is totally understandable and nothing personal. I care about what I do care about, and no matter how much I want to care about those things that I don't, I still don't. No one wants to be called irresponsible, but when it comes to work, trust me I'm trying to be responsible as much as I want, but sometimes I'm just not.

I have been counting day and night until the moment I will quit. I used to wonder what I should do once I really do, but I'm glad I don't have to face this anymore. It's still early though. Not early in the sense that I have time to waste, but because I'm still restrained by the two things: status and money. The former is a fact, and the latter is just an excuse. However, money is security. If I don't feel secure enough I wouldn't have the courage to risk anything, and I'm actually quite an insecure person. Then all these is in fact just another excuse. Whatever. I know I occasionally overestimate myself too much, but still I believe when the time comes I will make the right decision. Because, it feels great to be me.

2010-12-30T07:48:00.002+08:00

Learning not to care. Hard.

2010-12-28T23:50:00.002+08:00

Life has not been peaceful, but definitely going in a better direction, because what I had in the past 3 months couldn't be worse. It can be, just that I have yet to experience it, which I hope I will never have to. Human feeling is such a mysterious and dangerous thing. I had not been able to control my feelings and emotions throughout the whole incident, and nothing scares me more than the fact that I cannot be myself. It feels wonderful to finally be able to get back on my own feet. Funny when I saw a fellow course mate posted on his FB saying he hopes to have a family of his own right now. I'm not judging him. Every single person feels lonely once in a while, but to me it still goes back to the same thing. I wouldn't wanna waste my time on a single person right now, and whatever happened in the past few months only reaffirms this. I might hurt someone along the way, and it may sound selfish, but the truth is I have to always choose what is the best for me. I guess I should thank my friends who constantly remind me and correct my path whenever I'm going the wrong way. I may not reach where I wanna be eventually, but I wanna live my life the way I want it to be. Merely existing is not enough for me, and I'm glad that at least I still have the option.

2010-12-07T01:31:00.003+08:00

It sucks so much to be back. Now I'm back to constant struggle against myself again.

2010-12-01T02:45:00.003+08:00



喉嚨很乾　所以愛上你的吻
咀巴需要覺得　像被誰期侍過
纏綿很好　所以愛上你胸襟
呼吸需要記得　亦被懷念過
為何未曾動心　都可以愛上那質感
未能淡忘肉身　我是人

寂寞洶洶　所以愛上你指尖
鬚根需要覺得　像被誰馴服過
慾望狠狠　所以愛上你肌膚
體溫需要記得　亦被承受過
為誰亦能動心　請不要笑我太低等
熱情自然亮燈　渴望難自禁
味蕾覓尋肉身　比一隻野獸更天真
問誰又能硬撼　肉體吸引

@讓美色　給官感體諒 過程其實極漂亮
難道你在訓練我　不需要情慾對象
熱吻間　勾起的想像 愛情　其實是這樣
留住你是要為身體著想
(期望你亦要為身體著想)

談情很好　不過也要你擁抱
身體需要覺得　未被忘掉過
地獄之火　睡在心窩
難道我望著你你望我 就毫無罪過

This is probably the only Chinese song I have never taken out of my favourite playlist. Still loving the song after 7 years. I couldn't really understand the lyrics when I first heard it, just thought it was cool and unique. As time goes by, the older I get, the more its lyrics grows into me, and somehow it influenced me and became part of my motto in life.

My infamous "theory" of animal instincts and why humans are animals used to be one of the hot topics when we were back in poly. That was the time I started to realise I finally had a group of friends that I could get all those nonsense out of my head and talk them out. Although quite frequently we got ourselves into arguments that outsiders thought we were literally fighting and were worried much more than we were. Since then, poly life started to get interesting, and those years and people had played an important role on who I am and where I'm going now.

As someone who is overly obsessed with 100% consciousness, how to fight the feeling of body-over-mind is an exciting and enticing challenge. Things just go out of hands one after another. It is fun, in an unpredictable, and sometimes, helpless way. I love life with changes and challenges, although from time to time I do want to avoid the side effects they cause. When 事过境迁, it's the lesson you learn that make you realise your growth and you were not simply just wasting your time. I don't wanna put it in English when I have a wonderful 成语 at my disposal. I love the Chinese language.

The rule has been going on for 4 years. For the past 4 years, every single year there was one girl that somehow affected my life. A friend and I "sorted" out this rule last year, and a few months ago when we finally met up after half an year or so, she asked me who was the girl this time. Now I can't help but wonder what will happen next year, who she will be and how she is like. Knowing something will definitely happen and alter my life always makes me look forward to the future. I hope the streak won't be broken yet.

After those things happened, I'm pretty sure the only way out of my current life is to quit my job, or the other possibility. I could get out of the constant mess I always got myself in within less than a week, and sometimes one day was all I needed. Never had I expected it would take me a few months this time. Exposition, climax, and resolution, 3 parts of most stories. I have long passed the phase of introduction, and now it's just kind of stuck in-between constant conflicts and dénouement. It's like an extended version of a dance track. Sometimes when you think the music has reached its high and is about to end, it brings back the breakdown and starts the part all over again. No matter how much I enjoy it, I have to admit it's getting freaking boring. If god is a DJ, he should have brought in the next track already.

7 months has passed. I'm not really near where I'm supposed to be. 2010 is ending in a month before I even noticed it. At this rate, 5 years won't be that long at all. What is the saddest thing in life? You know you can be much more than those people you look down on, but you are not doing any better than them. I can be over-confident and arrogant all I want. I just need the fact to support them, which is basically everything I'm looking for.

Three things on the top of my head now:

1. Orjan Nilsen is a freaking genius.
2. I wanna play Healesville Sanctuary in a club right now and see people go wild.
3. I miss the days when I have only me to think about and nobody else.

2010-11-28T18:35:00.002+08:00

There is a million reasons not to do something. We are too conscious of the consequences.

2010-11-26T02:46:00.003+08:00

I never wanted my fucking off days so badly. Gonna need loads of coffee later. Pray hard I won't have a problem with the new digital mixer. Or at least not a lot of problems.

Feedback is killing me, and will eventually kill me. It's just a matter of time.

2010-11-04T10:36:00.008+08:00

LOL, even my mum was grooving to this song when the bass line came in ard 1:27. This is so gonna be a staple on my list. There are too many undiscovered gems in my iTunes for me to find out.

breaking waves on solid ground..

2010-11-03T21:06:00.007+08:00

"Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself who you are and what you want to be."

Found this quote on a friend's blog which I seldom check out. Kind of remind me of the other one, and probably the original:

"Sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you want to be. The person you are."

It's just paraphrasing, but the stepping outside part just described my most fulfilling off-day ever. Here is what I have done since waking up, and to my surprise I have already cleared quite a few things on my agenda.

1. Had breakfast, and Mum just found out my bad appetite which has lasted for more than a month today;
2, Practiced one hour of piano. I know if I had practiced more the previous 2 days I would be perfect with that song;
3. Went for piano lesson, and I forgot to pay the fees;
4. Headed down to SP to get my diploma cert, which I'm sure if it wasn't because of the PR application I will leave it there to rot for god knows how long;
5. Returned a book borrowed using a friend's SP library card;
6. Had a Double McSpicy meal by myself at the new Mac in SP;
7. Reached home and took a shower;
8. Edited a bit of my new piece which I have yet to name, and stopped when I was pissed with the boring percussion arrangement;
9. Recreated disc 2 of ASOT 2010, which was actually quite off. I would be booed seriously if I was in a club;
10. 3 sets of 30 push-ups, and skipped the sit-ups since my belly was still hurt from last night;
11. Jogged from my house all the way to Clementi MRT station, which was a new record since the furthest I had reached was Buona Vista.
12. Happened to pass by a dental clinic at Clementi, and booked an appointment since I wanna use up the $180 dental insurance;
13. Bought a Sportade on the verge of dehydration, walked back to Buona Vista station and then jogged home.

Probably I was just trying to exhaust and distract myself, or probably this is actually what I should have been doing all the time. I need to thank her for the push definitely. Finally I'm on track, and hopefully will stay long enough till the day comes. Watching the city and feeling the wind past me by, with the heartbeat and heavy breathing drowned by the four-on-the-floor beats I've blasted so loud in my ears, I never know I could have enjoyed it that much. I know the euphoria was making me seeing things, the hallucination and all the flashing lights, but that was what reminded me of who I'm meant to be and where I belong. The person I have been recently is not me. I knew it all along but I was never thinking of a way to get out of it. And now, although facing the four walls of my room keeps giving me this depressing feeling that I don't get, I have already waken up from all the havoc I have been in lately. It doesn't feel good, but I'm really trying so hard to look at the bright side and the moral of the story behind this whole extravaganza so it will hurt less. I'm making this decision. I had my share of fun and whatnot, and this is the end of it.

I don't need another October 2010 in my life.

Strike two, you are reaching..

2010-11-02T03:51:00.001+08:00

I should have done practicing piano and gone to bed since 4 hours ago, but instead I'm still sitting in front of the computer, working on my most complete work ever since Proteus.

This should be a day to remember.

2010-11-01T17:21:00.003+08:00

Just spent almost an entire month of pay on a HDD of sample libraries. Not the first time I've been wondering if it is really worth the money for me. 1.5k, as well as the few thousands I have already spent on my equipment before, is not a small amount to me, given the fact that I'm living on every single cent I'm earning myself, and still will do until forever. And the truth is I'm not the diligent type. Everyone knows that. Done quite a few half-assed work since graduation, but have not completed a single one at all. If I can't put them into good use then no matter how much equipment I invest it's a just a waste of money, and this entry will most likely end up being one of those I-know-I-should-but-I-never-do-it which I actually posted quite a lot. Whatever. If I really can't go anywhere in future, we all have a clear idea who is to blame.

Mum was probably right. The most significant trait I have inherited from my father is the short temper.

But still, if you are trying to destroy everything by testing my limit, trust me, you are already half way there. I can lower my self-respect to a certain level, but I'm the one deciding where it is, so don't push it.

It's a shame that she's not able to see this.

One of the reports from DJMag.com regarding this year's top 100 DJs poll:

"Chinese cheat DJ Tiesmi admitted paying cash for votes. "Tiesmi explained to me that it cost 4000 Yuan (£260) for 100,000 votes. He had paid a software engineer to create a script to by-pass our security code," said Roberston. "However, it became apparent very quickly that Tiesmi was cheating when he raced to the No.1 spot within hours of the voting starting.

"His friend Yutise, who seemed to appear on the same bill as Tiesmi, as the second DJ, was also investigated. He explained that it was not him cheating, but his crazed fans who he had no control over," said Robertson. "It's funny though that the world's biggest DJs, like PvD and Tiësto, don't seem to have such problems."

More voting irregularities surround the Flash Brothers from Israel - we detected over 1300 votes from the same IP address. They blamed "friends and family".

In a statement to DJmag, they said: "It appears that some of our friends and family simply wanted to surprise us at all costs and help our cause. We certainly do not condone such behaviour. We feel very distraught about this whole affair. We accept full responsibility for this affair but are quite adamant it boils down to sheer stupidity and oversight."

Hong Kong DJ Erick Junior has been dubbed "the fastest cheat in the East" after a four-day avalanche of votes saw him shoot to third position in the poll. Like the others, he has been disqualified. DJmag Editor Lesley Wright commented: "It's outrageous that DJs should attempt to cheat. It shows a blatant disregard for the Top 100 poll, for DJ Magazine and, most importantly, for their fellow DJs. Shame on them."

Lol. Jokes.

2010-10-28T02:56:00.004+08:00

If this isn't a practice account, I have already lost US$2,000 in 4 days. Lol.

And wtf was I talking about? Of course I need the empire.

I've been updating too much nonsense lately.

2010-10-27T20:11:00.000+08:00

I don't need an empire. I need a sanctuary.

2010-10-27T00:12:00.003+08:00

Repentance.

How the hell did she do that?

2010-10-25T15:59:00.010+08:00

One of the BPM counters of my CDJs is constantly making errors, and I don't even bother to fix it. I always wanted to use masking tape to cover them up so I wouldn't "cheat" while beat-matching but I never do so. Seems about right.

Don't Wiki if you haven't finished a book/movie/drama/manga/anime/whatever. I'm only at one quarter of the book but I've already known who killed Alex Cross's wife. They should really put spoiler alert on every page.

Now I have no clue what you are thinking, more than before.

2010-10-24T03:18:00.004+08:00

Texted and called all the friends that were on my mind who I wished were still awake so I could have someone to talk to, or even better, to drink with so I can at least get over this night faster and less painful, but here I am. I'm one of the biggest fan of Everyone Will Be Alone So You Have To Make It On Your Own, now it's turning around and biting me in the ass. Probably due to the comfort I have been living in the recent years and the Larger-Than-Life kind of life I believe I will be having, I thought I could get over anything with just a snap. I thought I was completely made of stone. I thought I could be the most heartless creature of the entire universe. I would seriously be proud of myself if I became one, but sadly I forgot I'm not that invincible.

Whoever is reading this, it's not hard to tell that I have already lost my mind. I was so desperate to find someone to talk to that I even asked a colleague who I only took the hotel transport a few times together with whether he was free for a drink and talk later. I did mention I was having a pretty hard time and none of my friends were responding to my messages and phone calls, still I'm sure the gesture scared him a little and made him wonder if I was actually hitting on him.

Obsessive, possessive, insecure, I'm everything you can think of along this line. I never wanted to accept that person is me, even to the state of self denial, I always want myself to believe I'm not those. However, as much as I hate to admit, whatever she said was totally spot on.

Then let's flashback. 4 years ago, similar incident, same reason. The only difference will be, back then she had no idea what was going on, and now, the other she was telling it straight to my face after my unreasonable and senseless justification that I myself couldn't even buy. 4 years ago, that was the first time I ever tasted regret in my life, and now, I can happily crown last night as the runner-up of the most fucked-up things I have ever done in my life. It had been haunting me for years, and now I'm pretty sure I'm gonna suffer from my own idiocy again for god knows how long. It's not hard to get over someone. It doesn't matter who the person is. It's not hard to get over anyone. Just time will do. But eventually, it all goes back to me myself, the real fucker that I have to face everyday. Given the previous experience, I'm quite sure I will be screwed for quite a while.

The result was what I wanted, but this is not supposed to be the route I take, and this is not supposed to be the way I feel. Exactly a week ago, I decided to put an end on this game, and now, I'm its biggest loser. The only plus point of the whole incident will be, I'm learning to face others with the truth that I have never wanted them to find out. Still, I don't think I have much choice.

"I know you wanted an answer, and there is no answer."

I don't need no parachute. Just let me fall and crash this time.

2010-10-20T00:16:00.002+08:00

A typical FML moment.

I was about to get myself out of the hellhole and start anew. It took me less than a day from harboring the thought to turning it into action, and who knows whatever I had said and done had a completely opposite effect on me. Now I'm stuck in a weird position, physically and emotionally, and I already start to see things gradually getting out of the control. Funny how this spontaneous turn of events can be so amusing.

I'm absolutely conscious that I'm going the wrong way. It's just kind of hard to stop.

2010-10-17T17:09:00.005+08:00

Suddenly I'm sick and tired of this game, don't wanna let it go on any longer. I'm not a gambler still. This kind of high-risk low-reward game is really not for me.

Now I don't even feel like defending any more. I know I look stupid now 'coz I gave quite a fair amount of speech on why I didn't drink last time. Those who I wanted them to understand already did. Those want to call me a pretender can judge me all you want. I don't really care anyway.

2010-10-11T06:14:00.008+08:00

I too am the kind who likes to shoot people down when talking. I know it was just a mindless remark, so I wasn't really offended by the comment and was gonna swallow it down, but surprisingly the 2 of them actually spoke up for me immediately. Somehow I felt proud of having them around me, those who understand, even though I have no idea how long we will still stand by each other, and the truth is we are already getting further and further apart.

One thing I admire of of myself but am not really proud of is my lack of sense of belonging. I can be prepared to severe any ties any time. I have been ignoring 2 of my cousins' emails or offline messages, and I used an excuse to get out of an online conversation with another one. The thing is, obviously I am missed, but I don't have the mutual feeling. Nothing particularly happened. It just came naturally. They are families, so I still need to hold back the heartless and made-of-stone side of me, probably till forever.

I guess it goes back to the whole attachment thing. I have no clue what made me lust after the life of no strings attached that much. If I already have the money, I should be somewhere in Europe by now, with a new name and an address people may find me by, but when they finally find the place, I have probably already relocated to another city, living an entirely new life, with a completely different identity.

Damn, I opened that door too quick. Now I'm so full of enthusiasm and excitement, but those things I said won't happen until at least 10 years or much later. Unexpected comes along the way, who knows what eventually will make me discard my dream one day. Although I seriously doubt so. It works more like the opposite.

Suddenly I realise, all the while I thought I was more of a realist due to how obsessive I am with money and reality. But the truth is, the reason of all obsession is to make the dream come true. I may be the closest to an idealist after all. Something I have never known.

It's going to be 7am, and I'm wide awake.

2010-10-05T03:22:00.004+08:00

I have been wondering this question since the first time I went to a club:

What is happening to all the slow jams?

Of course this applies to those which play R&B and Hip-Hop. But what the heck, even EDM has ups and downs. Look at trance. Among all the dance music genres, urban music has the widest BPM range, and as the most mainstreamed genre, it has the most drastic emotional span. It's not just about pumping.

The only top 40 gig I have ever done was to DJ for a D&D party at a high school. Given that was my first mobile gig, I had no idea I would be taking requests. Even though it didn't turn out perfect due to my under-preparation, I still gave myself a decent score for the few things I thought were pretty impressive.

First, I tried out BEP's Alive, and from the reaction of the floor, the kids loved it. Back then THE E.N.D. was just released not long ago. and although it was equiped with 2 of the biggest hits last year, it was Alive that truly caught my attention and made me believe this would be a club gem. Its non-single status means only those think it has its value will put it into their sets, and that night proved me I was right. So far I've only heard it once in clubs, and it was glad to know I wasn't alone on this.

The other thing I found brilliant (lol) was I dropped Usher's Paper followed by Mariah Carey's version of I Want To Know What Love Is near the end of the set. Paper was more of a transition. I lost some people, but most seemed to enjoy it. When it came to IWTKWLI (super long initials), the dance floor which was originally filled with estactics had already changed into a much slower yet groovier, and somehow sensual, atmosphere. Couples holding each other moving their feet with the music, that was the moment I saw love in the air literally. To share the joy one feels about music and bring that kind of happiness to the others, this is exactly what I believe DJing is all about.

Usher's Nice And Slow remains in the top 5 of my all time best R&B ballads. That is the true magic of R&B, being sexy but not dirty, just like most of his songs. Look at the 2 versions of Love In This Club, that is a pretty clear comparison. The single was clearly a worldwide hit, but it wasn't hard to dismiss it as a pure mechanical and typical club banging tune. While Part II talks about the same sex-in-a-club topic (duh), it gives me a much more emotional, sexual, and what's more important, humane feeling, something even Lil Wayne had failed to spoil.

I guess it all comes down to the way how clubs are run. The slow dancing scene is more suitable for pubs or cafes like Hard Rock which has its own dance floor. But seriously, how many DJs are really willing to dig the slow jams rather than the usual easy-to-please radio hits? Isn't it much easier to hype the crowd with just the threesome song? I don't hate that song. Instead I listened to it quite often when it first came out. But still, when you hear the same type of songs for a few hours non-stop, wouldn't you ever wonder, where is the variety?

I've been grooving to this song for an entire day at work. I love how groovy (pardon me for my limited vocabulary) the intro is and how the chorus reminds me of 98° somehow. I think among the 4 millions views of the video, I contributed like half of them. The last song of his that really gave me goose bumps was Because Of You. After all those talks above, I can't help but wonder if how many DJs in Singapore will actually put this into their sets. Well, radio DJs excluded of course.

The girl is charming in quite an unusual way, and obviously I'm not the only one who thinks so.

2010-10-01T16:00:00.004+08:00

What happened here stays here.

This text concluded my craziest night ever. In 2 weeks' time I've already become someone I didn't know about. Still living in my reality, but I will never forget the falling sensations. It felt so good. Like what she said, my life is a drama. And now I'm gonna put it onto a screen that no one has seen before, and they will remember.

I'm feeling so epic right now, though I'm still at work.

2010-09-28T03:50:00.002+08:00

This just came upon me when I was just about to lose hold of myself completely.

You shackled yourself for a reason.
You could have lived a much easier life.
If you don't pull it through,
What's the meaning in all this?

Since I'm a total atheist, I believe the revelation came all from me myself. Whatever the motive, it has already started everything. Maybe that was the excuse I was looking for all the time. I'll see it as the first step I took, and I owed it to myself. Still slight guilty conscience, but I'm sure it will go away. I may not like my future self, but he will long forget about it anyway. I nearly screwed myself up twice in a month, but honestly speaking, after all the things happened, it had been kind of fun.

5 months gone, 4 years and 7 months left, almost 10% has passed. There is a meaning always. If not I can just throw away my life like those people did. I wanna see the difference. I need to see the difference. It's something I desire so badly and no one will bring it any closer to me except myself. As long as my world doesn't come crashing on me, which I felt it almost did.

2010-09-25T05:24:00.002+08:00

This is exactly what I meant. Why the fuck do I need it to mess up my mind?

2010-09-18T19:29:00.005+08:00

It's funny how I'm actually feeling a bit upset right now. Sometimes you know you are doing things at the expenses of others, you are doing it anyway. Or is it just me? For quite some time I haven't felt so complicated. Whatever. I'm already so used to hurting others. Why even bother now?

After having 2 couples choosing this song as their march-in music for 2 separate weddings on 2 consecutive days, I began to fall in love with it.

2010-09-17T23:54:00.005+08:00

Can hardly remember the last time I bought more than one CD. Back then when I just started working I spent most of the money on CDs. Used to have a record breaking of buying 12 CDs in a month if I'm not wrong. That was around $240, which was rather taxing for an 18 year-old. Now buying even a single one seems like a special occasion to me. The last time I bought any CDs was 2 months ago, according to my "account book", lol. Although technically speaking there were 3. It was a compilation called 1959: The Year Of Jazz with tracks of Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Charles Mingus and 3 others I didn't know about, and it was on discount at HMV for $9.95. No-brainer.

Bought 3 CDs yesterday, AvB's Mirage, the deluxe version of Raymond V Raymond, and of course, LP's new album, A Thousand Suns. I gave up Markus Schulz's Do You Dream 'coz my urge of owning an original copy of it did not justify for the price of $28.95, and when I finally decided to buy the Andy Moor's mix of MOS Trance Nation, even though it meant a hole in my wallet of 40 bucks, it weren't there anymore. If you think wasting 40 bucks on a single CD (2 in fact, just forget about technicality) is crazy, then obviously you haven't heard the story of my 16th birthday. I took 100 bucks from my mum and spent 90 plus on a Japan imported 3-disc set of Initial D soundtrack. Eurobeat yeah. I've never regretted it. Those were the days.

I never thought of buying Usher's latest album for an obvious reason when it first came out, although he is one of last few pop icons I really like, and I fell in love with There Goes My Baby the 1st time I heard it. The deluxe version includes the Versus EP, and one of the songs attracted my attention and became the other reason why I bought the CD. Somebody To Love Remix, omfg. Just a note, I'm not anti-Bieber. I think he is actually quite a poor little bastard, having to suffer all that shit at the age of 16. I'm just a bit disgusted by the mainstream phenomenon. And here is the irony: Usher signed him, with a winning bidding against JT, and made him what he is now. I bet it wouldn't matter if it was Usher or JT, he would be screwed anyway. Poor kid.

I had no idea the new LP album came with a free T-Shirt, again. They didn't put any notice like last time, and I thought it was just more expensive, that's all. They are worth my 24.95 anyway. My Minutes To Midnight shirt was already 3 years old. I'm not a collector, so it's just like any other usual clothes, hanging somewhere in my wardrobe, and most probably I will never wear it again, given the fact that I wore it quite often in poly. I downloaded a leaked version of 320kbps last week but it was converted from a much lower bit rate, which became a sore in my ever organized iTunes. I got quite a fetish towards my iTunes. You have no idea how much love and effort I've put into just maintaining it alone.

Thus, A Thousand Suns became the only album I bought without listening to the pre-released before the official release, and then being critical all I want. I know the fact that you won't feel the pain unless you really spend the money, and that is when you can review it subjectively, instead of all the mindless judgment and comments without spending a single cent out of your pocket. But I'm doing it all the time and I don't really care. It always gives us the fun of dismissing all the effort an entire group of people had put into making an record completely by saying XXX's new album is crap and then moving on to the next topic.

The word experimenting never sounded anything more than being random to me. However, LP's new album actually showed me the jist of it, made me realise what it was all about. If one can truly appreciate what the artists are "experimenting", one can actually learn how to appreciate the music itself. And I really like the included DVD.

Brought a book a friend lent me months ago to work today. I never intended to touch it at all. In fact I hadn't completed a single fiction novel in years. Most, if not all, of the books I read recently are kind of like textbooks to me. Not textbooks literally, but those I can learn something from. Music, production, DJing, history. I actually used to love reading fictions. It may sound ridiculous, but I swear finishing reading Don Quixote is on my list of Things To Do Before I Die ever since I was 13 or so, although the language was like alien for me to understand back then. Maybe because I can't focus for long now, compared to last time, and with all the things going on in my head constantly (I have too much nonsense running about in there), it seems getting harder and harder for me to just sit still and bury myself into one. There are so many ways to let time pass by, and reading has become near the bottom of the list.

Yesterday I was so damn bored that made me decide to bring a book along with me. However the few books I'm reading are currently sitting inside the cupboard of my workplace, so I took The Affair along with me this morning, and to my surprise, I couldn't put it down all the time, until the end of the day when I had to tear down the equipment if I ever wanted to go home. By the time I reached home it only left about 1/5 of the book, and it reminds me how much I enjoyed reading fictions. Hopefully reading on iPad won't strain and hurt my eyes. I still like the idea of having a book in my bag wherever I go and flipping through actual pages made of paper, but I'm too lazy to ever go down to libraries randomly looking for books now.

2010-09-13T21:16:00.003+08:00

It's been a year since I last hanged out with my sec sch guys. I can hardly remember if I ever met up with them ever since I moved out of the area. The very last time I had come across them was the Bangkok trip we planned before I started working, and I stood them up 2 days before the departure. Given the fact that I am always the jerk who "flies the aeroplane", I was actually quite grateful that none of them, especially the pooh, was upset by my selfishness. I don't even know if I would understand me if I were him.

Went to Sentosa with them last Saturday, and I completely forgot how much fun I used to have when I was with them. It doesn't mean I don't have fun with my other friends. It's a totally different kind of fun. Only with them I can throw away all the baggage and unleash the crazy side of me, which I thought had died long ago. Rugby, volleyball, captain's ball, and the insane monkey game that the monkey had to do 5 push-ups while the rest could freely kick and throw sand onto and into him. Sounds stupid and childish, but I never realised that was what I needed. People put on different sides of themselves when they are with different friends or people, and honestly speaking I haven't felt that real of me for quite some time.

I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to going out with them again, as contrary to most of the time I would prefer to stay home alone. But I know that won't happen any time soon. Almost everyone's got a job, and all are going to serve NS or already are serving it, and the very fact that I'm no longer living in the area. I know I'm past the time and age of sheer craziness, but it just brings everything back and make me glad that at least I have had this kind of memory ever in my life.

Working freelance on both off days this week. After all the fun, life is just too real for me to halt and wander. I know it is me putting pressure onto my life, but I'm feeling fine living this way. Right now the most important thing is experience, and of course, money, as always. And by experience, I don't mean the kind you simply put onto your resume saying you have worked however long in whatever company.

RWS didn't call after all, but the interview itself is worth much more. It's all thanks to that list of skills they gave to rate myself before the interview, which made me damn sure that working at my current pace wouldn't add anything to the list or raise any scores that had already been on it. I guess I can say that I'm quite lucky to have the freelance job I need at this point of time. 4 months has passed. It's almost as if I'm already seeing an end , although I know I'm still far from it.

2010-08-26T01:13:00.005+08:00

I guess I was very lucky that I could start working straight after graduation and spared the effort of having to look for a job, and this had me totally forgotten there is such thing called "competition". Although there were other interviewees back then, I knew I would get hired easily way before the interview, so the idea of competition was totally non-existent. Hence when I was called up for another interview last week, the picture in my head was, a small office, 1,2 or 3 interviewers, and I was the only interviewee, as if I was the sure thing for the job. It starts sounding even more ridiculous in my head now. I can't believe how naive I was. How the hell on earth can there be only 1 interviewee?

If it wasn't because of the interview yesterday, I still had no idea how inexperienced I was and how little I knew even in my own area, and probably would still sit inside my own comfort zone for another a year or two until the day I finally decide to quit my current job. I felt so stupid when I asked what rigging was, and for that instance I could almost feel the contempt inside of them. Although none of them actually show any on his face, probably because it was very much what they were expecting, judging from my resume.

I always know I practically have no experience, and it had never bothered me much because, damn, I just graduated this year, how much can you expect from a fresh grad? And this had been my mentality since like forever. I had never realised THAT is actually the reason why people can't get a job. So what happened yesterday was like my version of "Santa-Clause-Doesn't-Exist" and "Fairies-Tales-Ain't-Real", with my big bad wolf screaming: as if I give a fuck if you are a fresh grad? Why the fuck should I pay you the same money I can pay someone else who can do the job better?

I came up with the lousy expressions myself. As long as the message is delivered, lol. The point is, it was such a simple fact, and I didn't get it at all. So the moral of the story, as long as you are good, there is no reason you can't find an ideal job. Don't blame luck, economy, or the fact that your grandmother can't pull some strings to get you in. Blame yourself for not being good enough. And that was my lesson learnt.

Deep down inside of me there is still slight hope, but I guess it's human nature. Even if I know I shouldn't feel disappointed at all, but I know when the time comes I won't be able to help it. So instead of thinking whether I will get short-listed, I think it's more sensible to upgrade myself in my relevant fields so eventually I will get an job I really love, something my current job definitely won't help me achieve. I start weighing the pros and cons again, only now with a much clearer direction, and now the choices are laid wide open in front of me,

1) Staying at my current job till I become a PR (which will be easier there) so I can start Djing and do other free-lance jobs LEGALLY (lol), or
2) Switching to another job where there are much more challenges and I will be constantly learning something instead of sitting inside an office breathing stuffy air and feeling sleepy.

Obviously if I get recruited by RW this time then I don't have to choose. Even if I don't, I will continue looking for other job opportunities. It's not like I will find another job right away, god knows how long it will take to find something I actually like. Maybe by the time I find one I have already acquired my PR status. Happy ending. Doesn't always exist. Lol. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Although my own little world was really shaken for a bit, but hey, life is all about ups and downs, isn't it? Everything happens for a reason, and the simple fact that I know my life has shown some progress and is moving on makes me feel glad.

2010-08-08T03:02:00.001+08:00

Omfg you freaking Cubase can you just stop hanging for like 1 second?

2010-07-09T00:01:00.002+08:00

Finally this year is not gonna be too boring. It's still quite, but not so much. Anyway I'm gonna keep nagging about what a hell this year will be probably till early next year, so never mind me. Reading a friend's blog, which always fills with beautiful love stories, those are the things that will never happen to me. It's not like I'm envious or what. She got her own problems. We are just different individuals living our own kind of life, dealing with our own kinds of problems. Would I ever trade what I have with other people? The answer is obviously no. Someone so self-conscious like me, will never do that. My world won't be crushed for another 5 years at least, so meanwhile, I'm stronger than you think.

2010-07-07T23:35:00.004+08:00

"That's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back."

This line from Friends crossed my mind when I finished watching The Bounty Hunter.

I'm bitching about a movie I illegally downloaded without paying a single cent. This shows how much it sucks. Lol.

2010-06-30T23:10:00.004+08:00

Although I have realised this long ago, I still think it's interesting.

The next time you spend more than half an hour on Wikipedia, see if you can still remember the very first thing you were checking on without looking at the tabs or history.

Id, Ego, Super-Ego, it's an fascinating concept.

Guess what lead me through countless tabs and pages for over an hour and eventually reached this.

The Carpenters. Lol.

2010-06-16T22:33:00.003+08:00

For whatever happened today, I gave myself a chance to be emo.

It may not happen to everyone, but it could happen to most of my friends or me myself one day. I can name a long list of people that are perfectly possible and suitable to become the victim. If that is the price he has to pay to be responsible for his actions, then I guess that is one of the greatest he can ever afford. Imagining it was nothing, until it actually happened to someone around me. It is far too scary than I can ever take.

2010-06-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

I now only have maximum one hour to listen to music during my working days and the dance labels are releasing their tracks like a freaking heavy machine gun loaded with a few hundreds of bullets at a time. No wonder the good DJs all quit their day jobs at some point of time. I wanna play outside!! Damn it. I've only worked for one and a half months and it feels like forever. Patience. Patience.

2010-06-07T11:44:00.017+08:00

Woke up at 510am, slept for only 3 hours, yet, my mood is exceptionally good today. Burned 70+ CDs from yesterday afternoon to night, digged out lots of stuff that I never had the time to organise. People ask me why I never go out on my off days, which is something I don't even bother to answer lately, just like the same old Why-I-Don't-Wanna-Go-NS Q&A. Those people won't understand anyway. Now, listening to SvD's Trance Energy compilation, the techy grooves just seamlessly fuse with my blood and flow through my veins. Started to appreciate tech trance from a whole new angle recently, and apparently my collection has been filled with more and more tech tracks. I fell in love with trance because of the balearic and euphoric sensations, but now the edgy sound seems to add a totally different aspect to the spectrum.

The whole world is my dance floor.

Whatever happened recently just made me realise even more that I could love no one else more than myself. Sounds sick and narcisstic, but yet that's the true feeling. Don't get me wrong. I'm already keeping an open mind, which is the exact reason that makes me feel this way. The whole cause and effect thing here is quite complicated. Even I myself cannot explain how I ended up with that conclusion. I don't know what I will become, but somehow I'm really enjoying this process. I may not like my future self, but he will long forget about it anyway.

Now I feel like following with an evil laugh. Muahahahaha. Gonna be back to my cable soldering. I'm not a tech person, but still, there are lots of things that are good to know.

I'm using the word "tech" a lot recently.

So much waiting to do. This is gonna be a loooooonnnngggg year.

I have to skip my piano lesson for orientation next week. How stupid is that. I have never been to any orientations before, not even my poly one, coz I think they are totally unnecessary. Furthermore, I think I've worked here longer than some of the trainers. I had the idea of taking MC on that day, but then, I'm still under probation, so there is no paid leave for me, might as well just go there eat sweets and earn some money.

Give me some surprise.

2010-05-30T10:33:00.007+08:00

When safe mode with command prompt is the only way you can start up your Windows, pray hard it is not the hard disk that fails you. Lucky for me it wasn't. xcopy, it's really been more than a decade since I last saw it.

Although the vocal mix, as well as the ad lib, sounds damn off, and he looks like a cock in the video, I still like the song. Have yet to finish the remix I started more than a month ago. I need more house influence. No, actually I think I need more energy and time.

2010-05-29T23:41:00.006+08:00

Wishlist for the next 3 years,

1. ~~Pioneer EFX-1000~~ (SGD$1350, bought 2nd hand for $800)
2. Denon X1600 (US$999, exclusive of shipping)
3. Little Phatty (Guitar 77 selling $2200. Seriously, wtf. I even thought of buying a Voyager before I knew the price)
4. iPad ($800-1000, so that I will have a synth/drum machine/entertainment unit, lol, at work. And it's a much cheaper Lemur. That one CDM entry changed my entire perception on iPad)
5. Cubase 5 ($450, education edition. I need the x64 version)
5. Sennheiser HD-25 ($360)
6. Drum machine (no specific model in mind yet)
7. Maybe a new laptop since my old one ~~is dying~~ just died and I don't allow my mum to install crap on my desktop.

Man I need a techy Santa.

Don't worry. I'll still have my savings. I'm a much better saver compared to most of my friends.

Mum just told me to go enjoy life first since I just started to have a stable income. Was it another way of telling me to Get a life? Lol.

2010-05-26T06:11:00.012+08:00

Damn it I'm early. It seems like staying up one night did not affect my biological clock much. Good good. Have some training on video projection need to attend later, then gotta settle all my passes stuff once and for all, cannot keep on dragging already.

Somehow I'm scared. Of not being myself. Maybe I was too tensed up all along. I'm always conscious of whether I'm being logical, and trying not to be too emotional and lose control, which is one of the reasons why I don't drink. I hated the feeling of being lead by my own emotions and what I call "the animal instincts". Thus I set up quite some restrictions for myself, which a friend called the box I always lived in. I know if I had an option of stripping away all my feelings I'd do it. Yeah I was that extreme.

Now, like I've said, I feel much more positivity in my life, but part of me still don't wanna let go. It seems like there is still a calculator in my head calculating every single step and move that I take, and an alarm that has been measuring if I ever enter the "danger zone". Whenever I feel like doing, or even think of, something that my usual self wouldn't allow me to, it will ring and tell me to back off. I used to see it as a form of sensibility, but now it just seems like some sort of boundaries that I cannot cross over. I knew I was a person of self-conflict all the time, but I kind of hate this feeling now. Well, I guess this shows the progress that I'm really willing to change, which is good I think. It just needs to take some time.

My stomach has been growling since the moment I woke up. I seriously need to do something with my sudden overindulgence of food. Now that I can't have supper everyday, the size of my other meals has obviously increased by an excessive amount. I can foresee myself being fat before I even start to put on more weight. Although I don't want to stay skinny, I don't really want to become oversized also.

Breakfast time. Woohoo.

2010-05-18T03:09:00.001+08:00

Three strikes out. I have no idea why I could still dream of the same thing again. But since I'm already awake, I'll just talk about something that I should have been putting on here throughout these days.

Between realism and idealism, I always lean towards the former. We all have our dreams, but if we can't even feed ourselves, dreams are just empty talks. However, among all the people I know, there were at least 2 people I knew that would give up everything just for their dreams, and there was almost nothing that could stop them from making them come true. I used to think these kind of people were just being naive and not realistic to their lives, but throughout these few years I actually have my respect to them thanks to the friends I have been around with. People choose how to live their lives. There might be some stuff that they can't see, but if that makes their lives happier and easier, then it's good for them. It's not like we ourselves can see through everything anyway, so we've got no rights to judge how they live and what they want.

Met up with a friend after work yesterday, and honestly he threw me off when he asked me if he should stop studying music and go for something more "stable". I know it is a question that most people from my course would ask themselves at some point of time, but I was never expecting these words would ever come out of his mouth.

The most recent event that triggered his this thought was that he was performing with an excellent vocalist a few days ago, and she was only making $30 per set. He said he had seen too many good musicians that barely support themselves by playing in pubs and small concerts, and that's not the life he wanna end up living. He wants a family, which means financial stability. I told him to give himself some time, maybe 5 years, to see if things would work out. He said he didn't wanna waste any more time. If he stops music now and picks up cooking, which is another thing that he has passion for but nowhere near how much he loves music, by the end of 5 years, he will be able to support himself and probably a family with quite a decent pay. However, if he continues to do music, he can't see a way out, if there is audience and market for his music, whether he will be on the big stage that he wants, or just end up like those people.

Then after that was hours of heart to heart talk, which I really hope would at least help him to think about this entire thing from a different angle. Although as a friend I should advise him not to stop his music no matter what, because all these are just doubts I believe most musicians have. But of all people, I am the least convincing one to tell him to do that. And I know he is the type of person who wants the love of his life. It's because he still has doubts in his relationship. If the girl loves him as much as he loves her, then there wouldn't be all these hesitations. It will really be a shame for a talented guy like him to stop doing what he is really good at, but if the cost of that is a lifetime of happiness, then the choice is pretty obvious.

Somehow I held these words back and didn't tell him. I know if I did it would definitely strike him off in some sort. Instead I told him to give himself time to figure out how he is really feeling before making any decisions. However I think doesn't really matter. There are too many things for him to explore in his area, with his potential, I don't want any of my words to become part of the reason why he gives up music eventually. Anyway he has 2 years of NS he can't escape from, which ironically gives him some time and forces him to stay on his current ground to rethink about the whole situation himself.

I felt like talking about my "new" and 1st full-time job since quite some time ago, but there is honestly nothing much for me to talk about. It's not as bad as I thought, given the benefits, the working hours and the amount of work I do every day. I've learnt some new stuff, but I guess after 2 weeks of work I have already mastered at least 80% of them. It's kind of boring, but I get to surf, read, and sometimes sleep, when I got nothing to do, I guess I shouldn't be complaining. And I really start to enjoy disturbing my colleagues once in a while, which I haven't been doing in quite a long time. Gotta have some fun during work so I won't hate it so much.

I've decided to change. I know this is quite a vague statement, and I don't really have a specific direction of exactly how also. It's just that something happened a while back changed the way how I normally saw things. I don't really wanna talk about how the entire thing got through my head, since obviously it wasn't convincing enough to become a reason for a change to the only person I have told so far. Of course I will never be like my crazy friend. It's not on the physical side, more on the state of mind. I've finally learnt to see things in a less extreme way. Money, relationship, family, future, everything. I remember I used to rant about being frustrated over almost everything around me, but none of those really bother me that much now. Sounds cheesy, but I really feel there is much less weight on my shoulder and I'm a much happier person now.

4am had always been a benchmark for me to measure how well I slept everyday for quite some time, but this is the first time I'm gonna sleep past 4 since I started working full-time. I'm starting to get used to sleeping before 12am because of the constant 7am in my work schedule, but still, 5+ hours of sleep is not enough. I still get to sleep for about another hour now. Hopefully I can settle the morning setup fast and comfortably sleep on the couch of the staff lounge later. Or maybe just in the office.

Yes, we have a staff lounge. And again, I'm not going into army. Ha.

2010-05-02T02:35:00.000+08:00

I need a way to stop all these messes in my head.

2010-04-05T14:30:00.003+08:00

Lol. This is something I wasn't expecting.

iPad Apps for Music Making: What’s Coming, The Bigger Picture

2010-04-01T03:57:00.010+08:00

I'm bored. Was lying on the bed listening to the radio with my iPod, I scanned through the FM from 87Hz to 108Hz, and favourited 17 stations altogether, including 2 Malay and 1 Indian ones. This is how bored I am. Have been trying to force myself to sleep before 4am since last week, yet there is not a single night I could sleep before that, not even when I'm sick. Normally I listen to rare tracks that I will not listen during the day time, ie. all kinds of non-dance tracks, before I fall asleep. But then I realised as long as I was listening to music my brain won't stop functioning. There is always something to think about. Then I tried not listening to anything before I go to sleep, as an experiment. Then I realised I still could not stop the sound inside my head. It's like what one of my friends said, there is always a playlist going on. It only changes, but never stops.

Now I'm listening to UFM1003, one of my favourite stations of all time. I don't always listen to the radio, but if I do, it is either 1003 or Class95. Another favourite of mine is 987FM, but since I only listen to the radio when I'm on the bed, I'm usually not in the mood for English Top 40s. I got RSS feeds of both Billboard and Official UK Charts Top 40s in my bookmarks. All I need to do is to just expand them. I remember most of the songs I knew during my primary and secondary school time, unlike now, were from the radio, back then when I had to save my lunch money to buy CDs, when I used to have a shelf to display all of them, when I brought my discman and a CD pouch with me wherever I go, when I didn't have Internet, or when I didn't know what torrent was. Lol.

Then things changed when I came to poly. One of my friends was surprised to see me buying so many CDs in a mere month than he ever bought in a year, and he was "kindly" enough to teach me about P2P. Then throughout the 3 years, from torrent to Rapidshare, although we are saying we still buy CDs once in a while, blind people can tell we are buying significantly fewer. But it is thanks to piracy that I was able to get exposed to so much more music, and meanwhile, I started to take it for granted. Everything is just one click and two minutes away. I don't know it was a bliss or curse. It is kind of ironic that for our generation, piracy has already become a topic that people can only talk about but cannot change anything about it, just like, like, guns in America. Lol. I don't know how I got that. Can't think of a better example.

It is 429am now, so obviously I have failed once again. And there is a party tomorrow night at a friend's house, so I guess I won't get to sleep early as well. Oh god, since when did sleeping even become a problem?

Eh? 1003 is playing Heal the World.

2010-03-26T19:50:00.013+08:00

I think the R&D team of Pioneer is one of the most efficient in the entire world. After coming up with 1 model of mixer and 2 models of CD decks just last year, they are having 2 new mixers and 1 CD deck on the way. I think the idea of both DJM & CDJ350 is a bit funny, but most likely it is just like iPad, which I think Apple came up with for the sole purpose of market testing. But seriously, look at this shit. If this isn't the real state of the art then I don't know what is.

That is a freaking 4-channel DJ mixer, not a VJ mixer. Put aside its practicability (built-in Kaoss Pad and MPC-styled MIDI triggers and faders on the touch screen, together with the Frequency Mixing Mode see below. Now we have a 7 band EQ, lol. Probably next time DJs will mix on 2 rack mount 31 band EQs. How innovative. I wonder if anyone has ever thought of that), Pioneer must have a special design team for its ProDJ line, because this is simply the coolest shit I have ever seen in my entire life. Look at how beautiful it is sitting together with the 2000s. I would love to buy one in future just for the sake of displaying it on my desk, and I will buy a desk just for the sake of displaying it, together with the 2000s, in my dreams, lol. A setup like this costs at least USD$7,000. I bet you are never gonna see it in a Singapore club ever.

Obviously this is not gonna be the new standard because of the price tag, but it definitely pushes the bar much higher. I guess this is the way Pioneer shows off to A&H, Denon and all the other competitors, telling them that they are able to do so much more than they ever can.

2010-03-26T12:50:00.009+08:00

School officially ended last Sunday, with the grad show as the finale. And since then my friends have been talking about how empty their lives have become. Well, probably due to the cold-blooded nature of mine, I really don't feel much difference. Or maybe it's because I know I've got bigger things to worry about than weeping over the graduation.

Sent my resume to Oriental yesterday, and Resorts World as well, together with a cover letter, which I think is by far my best formal writing ever. If I did the same to CS I think I could have got an A. Oh ya btw, I scored my personal highest GPA ever, 3.2. It surprised me a bit. I guess the lecturers were quite forgiving. After all, this was the last semester.

I never thought of working full-time at Oriental, until my friend told me one of the AV executives was just sacked last week. For the sake of keeping a lifeline, I told the AV manager that I wanted to work full-time, and I could tell the apparent he-couldn't-want-me-more look on his face. Lol. The reason is obvious. It will save them at least 2 months of training if they hire me rather than someone new to the hotel.

I hated the idea of working in hotels, especially Oriental. If I work during the days I can do whatever I want at night. Friends' gatherings, practices, my own productions, and DJing. Although it's not like I already have a resident spot, I would like to have the option. And the main reason why I haven't been really going out to the club scene was mainly due to financial constraint, which will be solved once I have a full time job, hopefully. And for Oriental, there are much more reasons why I shouldn't work there. I know the place like the back of my palm. And now I'm gonna work for and with exactly the same people I have been working with for the past 3 years, full-time, 6 days a week. How boring is that?

So I put my hope into RW. It's not like there are only these 2 places in Singapore that I can work at. I have yet to start my official job hunting. It's hard looking for a full-time job in the audio fields except live sound, which does not interest me much also. Anyway. Last week after the grad show we went to an ex-lecturer's newly opened pub, and I had a little conversation with him, who happened to have some contacts in RW. The idea of working at RW really enticed me. If I am able to work there, I have the entire island open to me. Casinos, Universal Studios, hotels, all the new nightlife & entertainment venues. New pubs and clubs, big named DJs, dance music, people from all over the world, there are gonna be plenty of opportunities. Very likely it is not gonna be as wonderful as how I picture it to be, but it is the most ideal place I can think of at the moment.

Enough of the career talk. Wed night after work went to meet up with the guys. One of them wrote a song called Eliza. Basically it is about this girl who was the MC for the grad show so we only saw her for 3 days and he fell in love with her at the first sight. He always sides her when we talked about how much make-up she has been putting on and how she looks like without it, as if he knows her really well. We always laugh at him for his cowardice as he doesn't even dare to add her on MSN or Facebook. So he wrote a song about how he felt about her and his lack of courage and stuff. Honestly, I don't believe in love at first sight, so I don't really know how true the lyrics is and how he really feels, but then again, like my friends said, I don't believe in a lot of things, so this is probably just one of them which I will never understand. Nevertheless, it was a good song and I liked it.

Then it got me wondering when was the last time I felt something like that, stuff like the fast heartbeat and nervousness when you see her. It was almost 5 years ago, and now I'm even having trouble trying to remember her surname despite the fact that she was my classmate for 2 years. Throughout these 3 years in poly, there were crushes once in a while, but I no longer feel the rush, and have already forgotten how it feels like long ago. It feels like I'm already dead inside, but I know I'm not. I just think love is not about the irrational rush that you feel at first or going out hitting on random girls that you barely even know. I don't believe in all the mystically spiritual connection talk. To me, talking about liking someone when you don't even know him/her well enough is total rubbish. But then again, it may be something I will never understand, but this is how I see it.

Thanks to my father, I hate it when people aren't serious with their relationships. It's a form of commitment, which is one of the reasons I am still single after so long. I don't feel like I am at the stage where I'm willing to commit my time entirely to a relationship. Or maybe it is simply because I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel like to. Or maybe she is already there but it just takes time for me to see it. Whichever, it doesn't really matter. It is interesting that among all my friends, there are people in love, people looking for love, people trying to stay out of love, and I can't really position myself into any of them. Let's just leave it all to the future.

It is amazing that I can come up with such a long post. My boss is not in for the entire day, so I just kept on typing and typing, and here I am with these 9 paragraphs of crap. I haven't even told him about the whole not-gonna-work-for-him thing. He is a good guy, a bad businessman, so bad that makes me feel that even I can do better than him if he gives me the money, and I never think I can do business at all. Probably it is because of the natural arrogance born within me again. I just don't see any future working for him.

And you know what, I've already planned out how I'm gonna use my pay of the 1st month before I even have a job. I'm not a gearslut, but the technical limitation forces me to upgrade my gear. A 2 channel mixer is no longer enough for me. I hope my skills are up to the standard of my equipment.

2010-02-25T11:46:00.005+08:00

Unless I am God, what was in a dream will stay in a dream.

It was sweet. Thanks.

2010-02-20T01:52:00.011+08:00

We're all so busy with our lives we'll forget each other some day.

2 minutes set whatever happened in 3 years back to square one. How the hell did that happen? After running and hiding for so long, why am I eager to tell her how I'm feeling all the time? How does it even matter to her? I don't use Facebook, I don't have her on my MSN, her number was no longer in my phone since 3 years ago, but how the hell did it just pop into my head and make me want to call or at least text her? I can suddenly remember the last call that we had, the last messages that we exchanged, and now I just wanna hear her voice again. I can be the biggest jerk or joke ever, whichever it is, why should she even bother? Everyone has been asking the same thing, Wasn't it awkward? Was it? I seriously don't know. My mind is telling to fucking stop all these nonsense and stop messing with her life and leave her alone but my heart is telling me otherwise. I could be selfish and ignored her feelings again and again, thousands of apologies weren't even enough, why should I even deserve another chance? And please, it was 3 fucking years ago, let it go, who the hell is still bugging it? Omg I feel like killing myself for being such a pussy, seriously.

But I really miss you.

p.s. Guess what the most shocking news I have read this year was? FSOE joined Armada, omfg.

p.p.s Cross Game ended, omfg.

2010-01-17T12:18:00.002+08:00

Already had 75% backed up for 12 hours, I turned on the switch and the circuit tripped.

2010-01-14T03:31:00.004+08:00

Just spent about half an hour editing the photo, which is the new background you see now. I know it is another form of wasting of time. I just hope it can remind me that I need to practice everytime I see it.

2010-01-14T02:08:00.012+08:00

It is frustrating knowing I still have 2 more months to graduate.
It is frustrating knowing I have to endure the assignments 2 more months so I can graduate.
It is frustrating knowing I have to work a full-time job at least for years 'coz I need the money.
It is frustrating knowing I can't do what I wanna do.
It is frustrating knowing I don't need a relationship yet my mind gets screwed up so easily.
It is frustrating knowing I'm totally cool with the things they are but in fact I'm totally not.
It is frustrating knowing I can't get rid of the shadow and erase the mistakes I made.
It is frustrating knowing I have already wasted so much time and I can't have it back.
It is frustrating knowing I'm still wasting my time and yet I never change.
It is frustrating knowing I'm going 22 this year and I have achieved nothing.
It is frustrating knowing I may never be able to reach my ideals in my entire life, forever.
It is frustrating knowing God is never fair and I can do absolutely nothing about it.
I'm not trying to be a loser and put all the blame on it.
But it is just so damn frustrating.

2010-01-07T02:43:00.003+08:00

Stuck in the middle of my own idealism and realism.

Haven't touched my babies for 2 days. God I miss them already.

2009-12-28T21:58:00.008+08:00

I'm the best example of an impulsive buyer. The very moment I realised I couldn't switch on my mp3, I bought an iPod, well, Nano. Although a 8GB iPod Touch is only $20 more than a 16GB Nano now, I'm just not a fan of touch screen stuff. Anyway. I was kind of waiting for my Sony baby to die early, and finally I got an iPod now. Had been using that 90 dollar piece of crap for almost 2 years. Guess being a bulky thumb drive for the rest of its life is its best ending.

2009-12-22T01:28:00.003+08:00

Was suddenly reminded of this song. Now I'm hesitating. Things may have changed just because of this weekend. Or maybe not. Who knows. Once I make that call, I will have to accept whatever comes after that. It can't be any worse anyway. I thought the feeling had already precipitated since long ago. After all, it has been years. I don't know. Maybe it's because of the holiday season. I just feel that it is time I should stop hiding. I'm probably the only one who still cares. If she had the courage to face it, why can't I?

Okay never mind. I was just thinking too much. Nothing special, nothing unusual. Somehow deep inside I was still hoping for something, even if it's something bad. Probably it would show she still cared. Well, at least I didn't drag it to the new year. Whatever. Seriously, I should stop being a pussy.

Man, this is gonna take a few days.

2009-12-20T18:50:00.006+08:00

I am so fucking lazy. Now POD 2 is gonna be an easy job, so easy that I don't even need to care anymore. Lol.

ps. Haley Gibby's voice is just too heavenly.

2009-12-20T04:36:00.004+08:00

One of the biggest myths that I'm eager to solve is if it is really harmful for body if I have my biologic clock set completely opposite. We are not sunflowers or any other plants that have to follow wherever the sun goes, unless we need the UV or whatever to keep our skins healthy. Fyi, I was an F9 bio student.

Anyway. Nighttime is awesome. It's calm. It's quiet. It's dark. It's when you have the entire time and space for yourself. As absurd as it might sound, I'm not really a nightlife creature, unless listening to music for hours at night is considered nightlife. Even my friends said mine is boring, not for alcohol, not for chicks. But still, I love the music, and the flashy lights, which totally belong to nightlife. They just blank out my mind and leave nothing behind. It's the trancy feeling. I don't know why is that. I just enjoy the feeling. Either my mind is so occupied that there is no room left for any other things, or it's just so empty that nothing can ever get in.

Now I kind of lost the initial motive behind this post. Haven't slept before 7am ever since Monday, I think my brain is reaching its limit to stay clear already. Had an entire topic in my mind but now it's totally gone. Anyway. 2009 has passed ridiculously fast. Life had been a circle, but starting from next year, there is gonna be no more turning-backs. I've been haunted by the same thing for seriously much too long. My friends have been saying I've not opened up enough. Maybe that can be my new year's resolution.

Live for the night,
Suffer the day.
Run from the life,
So far away.

2009-12-18T02:03:00.006+08:00

Sometimes people choose to see what they want to see and just pretend they don't see those they don't want to, but that does not mean they have no clue at all.

2 days to 2 months, still clocking, surprisingly.

2009-12-02T17:16:00.007+08:00

I wish I didn't search this MV. I totally had no idea they were this... .

Btw has anyone seen how Adam Lambert made out with his dancer and keyboardist, especially, during the performance at the AMA? I got nothing against his homosexuality, but that really stirred my stomach and almost turned it upside down.

2009-11-28T00:48:00.008+08:00

Omg this is fucked up. Everything I have built for these few months was crushed in a single freaking night. Now I can't stop thinking about what they said. I was trying so hard not to let things repeat, but this whole damn year is like a freaking huge deja vu to me. I'm being dragged into that damn circle and just watch everything going round and round again. Now I'm thinking of the same things I thought of, feeling exactly the same way I felt months ago. We have tried our best to avoid it, but god, why at this point of time again? Please don't make me do that one more time. Fuck, seriously.

If I can't see it because I'm in it, then tell me, what do I actually see?

2009-11-26T21:33:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling really fucked up now.

Maybe I should thank my friends for pointing that out, but honestly I don't feel grateful at all. Can't even trust myself.

2009-11-25T21:50:00.003+08:00

Found this when browsing through forums just now. It's a trance piece from some random nameless guy. Feel so inferior comparing mine to this, lol. I was playing around with L3 just now then I realised my mix had a huge problem. Can't do anything much till I get my new com next month. Can't wait for graduation so I can have more time to myself. Oh man I need some serious motivation.

2009-11-22T05:00:00.002+08:00

It didn't feel the same anymore, and I know I'm not the only who felt this way. But why should I even bother? There is no use in whatever I'm doing. It's never gonna happen. This just reminds me of how someone used to tell me that I was just being selfish, how I only cared about my own feelings, how I every time just wanted an quick end of everything and I never cared about how people thought and felt, how I could do it once twice and thrice, say some nice words and leave everything behind as if nothing had ever happened.

But do you even know how hard it is to hide everything I feel inside and having to pretend nothing has ever happened and as if I don't feel a thing?

2009-11-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

Spent most of my time during work trying to figure out how I'm supposed to continue walking on this road. Kind of had a lead, but not sure where it is heading. Obviously I'm not working hard enough. It's been a month, and I have hardly achieved anything. Glad I'm being pulled away from the swirl in time. At least I will be safe for a while. Hopefully.

2009-11-16T11:15:00.002+08:00

Time check, 11:15am 16th Nov 2009.

Songwriting Assignment 2, 19th Nov
REMT Assignment 2, 30th Nov
ARR Assignment 3, --------
MUMI Assignment 3, 11th Dec
POD 2, 4th Jan
POD Final, 18th Feb

Did I miss out anything?

2009-11-14T01:46:00.002+08:00

I almost forgot how I used to love her due to her consecutive flops since Made in Twenty. The Face was more like a product of a songwriter trying to rush 10 plus songs in a single week. Her English album was slightly better thanks to Henrik Jonback and Sean Garrett, but it was still just another commercial dance pop album, and the fact that even Utada couldn't break into Americans' own little playground wouldn't change.

The thing that caught my attention of the new single was the featuring artist. m-flo had a collaboration with BoA on The Love Bug, which the FF and I think is one of the most brilliant pop songs ever. I just love how the guitar loop was processed and the duet. Anyway. I personally think the new song is not bad. The sax loop gives it a funky feeling, the EP sounds nostalgic, plus the usual 543 melody. I never realised I really have a thing for minor seconds. See for yourself.

I like her new image.

5 years ago..

2009-11-13T00:25:00.003+08:00

Love my life now.

It can be better of course, but I can't complain. Apparently I've lost again. If only things will last, which I know won't.

2009-11-03T10:32:00.012+08:00

Two days straight I couldn't hear my alarm at all. I'm not a deep sleeper and this has never happened before. I even fell asleep while I was typing yesterday. My boss told me to doze off a little bit. Guess I thought too highly of myself. Working 4 day in a row now is a bit too much to me. Haven't even started any of my assignments. If I rush them like how I did last sem, I probably will just die of a sudden heart attack.

Finally got my Kool & The Gang CD. The new library closed down again for some unknown reason which I don't bother about, so I bought myself one. (ps. okay i just know it was never opened in the first place) I love the old R&B and disco sound in the bands. EWF, KC and the Sunshine Band, BT Express, all of them. Unlike the diverse dance music nowadays, funk and disco was the only true sound at parties. I just love how the crowd is hyped when an old classic is being played. Looking at the happy people, it reminds me that this is why I love music, and why I wanted to be a DJ. It is the universal religion.

Talking about DJing, Top 100 DJ poll just came out last week. Guetta finally made it into Top 3, expectedly. Look at how dance tracks are being played in pop radios now. If urban music is ever being replace by electro and no longer exist in clubs, it is gonna be his fault. Lol.

Below is the write-up on him this year.

3. David Guetta

Style: From house to techno - any good music.
Best known for: Getting people's hands in the air!
Gig of 2009: The whole year has been magic.
Tune of 2009: David Guetta feat Kelly Rowland 'When Love Takes Over' (Virgin)
Breakthrough DJ/Producer of 2009: Afrojack
The track that changed your life: Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean' - it was the first track that I beatmatched when I was a child.

What makes a good DJ great: A great crowd.
Most underrated DJ: James Zabiela - he's big but he should be even bigger.
Biggest challenge this year: To make a bridge between electronic music from Europe and urban culture from America.
Top tech toy: UAD - I just bought it last week for my laptop.

In many ways this could be David Guetta's Year Zero. That might sound ridiculous for a man who has seemingly drawn the best out of the pop and DJ world. But with his album, ' One Love', featuring superstars of the American hip-hop and r&b scene, the optimistic Frenchman claims we may very well look back on 2009 and say that this was the dawn of a new era in dance music. US urban culture has always been - Puffy excepted - pretty disdainful of dance music, but over the last 12 months Guetta has been their go-to man.

Kelly Rowland discovered him when he was DJing and asked him to write a song. The same week that the Black Eyed Peas requested him for production duties on their song 'I Gotta Feeling'. Always with an eye to opening dance music up beyond its comfortable ghetto, David struck a deal - he would be involved in their albums if they repaid the favour and sang on his.

'One Love' arrived in August featuring vocals from the former Destiny's Child alongside the Peas and Akon. Apart from anything else, it gave Guetta three European No.1s and his biggest album to date.

"This album was trying to build a sound bridge between hip-hop and electro," he explains from LA, before performing at the MTV Latin Awards. "I think it's going to be huge for everyone in electronic music. Everybody in America wants that sound now and I'm sure that, not only for me but for the whole dance community, it's going to be a new world. This is only the beginning."

If Guetta is right, it could change the worldwide dance scene completely. For the first time American radio is playing tracks that have come - musically at least - from European club culture. Right now those tracks are Guetta's but, ever the optimist, the man who lives to break down commercial walls is convinced that this is the start, that the hip-hop world is going to come knocking at our door.

"Now all the best artists want a part of it," he promises. "So it's going to be amazing for all the house music producers. I have the opportunity to work with all the artists that I've dreamt of working with all my life."

But to think that David has just been about huge vocal productions and topping the charts would be to misunderstand the core of the man. While the album is sitting high in the charts, he's slipped out an underground electro track on Mark Knight's über-hip Toolroom. 'Grrrr!' is a tough instrumental monster, very much aimed at the people who love him as a DJ.

"As a DJ, I play underground clubs and I play other more glamorous parties," he explains. "In Ibiza I play Pacha, but I also play Cocoon. I never wanted to choose really. It's the same for me as a producer. I can produce big pop records but I can also produce more techy and underground tracks like 'Grrrr!' I do it in exactly in the same way - with my heart and my passion."

Always causing confusion, he refuses to say that just because part of him is a pop star he's only going to make big vocal hits.

"I refuse to stay in a box," he says. "I have two crowds - I have some people who love me for my hits and I have some people who love me for my DJing. And they're not necessarily the same people."

But as important as the underground is for him, as much as he cherishes playing chunky electrotech and as enthusiastically as he grabs the chance to play long and deep, the things that have made Guetta's year mark him out as a populist, a man who wants everyone to be as excited about the music he loves as he is himself.

That's undoubtedly why he signed up to be ambassador of the new DJ Hero computer game, an offshoot of the massive Guitar Hero, that's another possible avenue to bring new feet to the dancefloor. It's also why he's got an iPhone app waiting to go any minute and how he's ended up with a million Facebook fans this year.

Whether or not David Guetta's 2009 is going to change dance music forever, it's clear why he's calling it the biggest and best year of his life.

2009-11-02T02:38:00.001+08:00

I must have been crazy.

2009-10-25T01:49:00.002+08:00

Tune of the Night - I Gotta Feeling (FMIF Remix Edit)

There is something you will never understand until you actually see it. Anyway. I need to wake up in 4 hours' time. Mariah's I Want to Know What Love Is and Usher's Papers have been good lullabies to me these days. Somehow I feel I'm overspending my life in future, and strangely I'm not really bothered about it. Well, I probably will die early anyway, so better do things that I wanna do.

I'm trying hard not to cross that line, so stop pushing it closer to me.

2009-10-21T23:14:00.010+08:00

I can hear the tic-toc-tic-toc in my head alllllll the time. A 3 hour set at this point of time is definitely gonna kill me, plus a handful of stuff I need to settle before the weekend, and that does not even include my school work. This is the real challenge.

Might as well just quit school.

Lol. I'm just kidding. I love school.

Though I'm definitely gonna skip it tomorrow.

Back to my roots.

2009-10-20T21:27:00.004+08:00

God is either too kind or being a bitch.

Now I've got toll of these 2 years to pay.

2009-10-20T01:12:00.003+08:00

I will curse myself for my entire life if I ever forget this feeling tonight.

Nothing is worth any more.

I swear.

If you could see into the future,
Would you do it different now,
Would you find a way,
Somehow?

2009-10-17T00:56:00.009+08:00

From Tanya Chua's MySpace. Here is the link.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A Note To The Weepies
Hi I'm Tanya Chua. This is a note from myself to The Weepies and all fans of The Weepies. In 2008, I produced and sang a Chinese song called Red High Heels which ended up with the same tempo, key and had an intro that sounded similar as The Weepies's song, Take It From Me. It went on to catch the attention of some music lovers who started making comparisons to these two songs, challenging the authenticity of both songs from both sides. It definitely created a very awkward situation for myself when I was first asked about it, as though admittedly I have heard The Weepies's songs before, I definitely was not conscious of the similarities nor did I have their song in mind when I wrote and arranged it. It was only when someone somehow morphed our songs together that I realized the resemblance in some parts.

As a writer myself, I can understand how protective we can be of our compositions. Nobody wants to have their songs sounding similar to anyone else, let alone questioned. So when this comparison got to the ears of The Weepies, they contacted me and asked for my clarifications as they were very troubled with the fact that their song was released before mine. After being asked repeatedly about this, it felt long overdue that I set the record straight here on my own page and hopefully it will bring some rest and assurance.

If this has caused any distress and inconvenience to The Weepies or even raised doubts in anyone in regards to the originality of The Weepies composition, Take It From Me, I offer my most sincere apology. I'm just a simple music lover and writer who just wrote what felt natural to me at that time with no intention to copy The Weepies. I wish The Weepies all the best in their wonderful music.

Love, Peace and Light
Tanya Chua

ps: please forward this note to anyone who may be concerned or who have inquired The Weepies about this matter, as I don't really know how to reach all of you. Thanks.

2009-10-16T01:24:00.007+08:00

I think most of my friends are in the last-week-of-ITP mood. I wish I can feel the same. Too bad it is a mere starting to me. Maybe it was kind of early for me to take the job. I'm not regretting. I had my reasons. Just that I need some time to get used to the changes. I guess forcing myself to work is the only way to counter the passivity born within me. Having 2 jobs during school terms, 4 days of work 3 days of school, I seriously need a hell lot of determination to be able to pull myself through this. Well, I probably won't get to enjoy my life anymore, but, whatever. I'm not that young anyway. It's time to settle down already. Lol.

what goes around comes around..
feeling so helpless..

2009-10-09T00:54:00.005+08:00

It seems like a routine that I will complain about my timetable everytime I got it. Well, this time it really shut me up. 4-day weekends at the very last semester of my poly life, how awesome is that?

I'm gonna cry myself a river if they change it.