I'm glad the least expected person around me could help me ease my mind. I guess I can say I'm plain lucky. However, helping me doesn't mean it's helping with the situation. My hope is still not high, but whatever he said made me realise there is more to do to savage the supposedly helpless status quo. Not much, but still a bit more.
I bet my friends cannot understand how I got myself back together and still chose to take on the same path after seeing I had already given up most of the hope. Time, money, all these seem expendable as long as I can pull this through, or at least, until I can see the end of everything. If not then it totally defeats the whole purpose of why I'm doing this in the first place. It's the personal experience that I value. Or am I just simply too willful and not sensible enough? It probably doesn't matter at all. Maybe the end is just around the corner.
Nevertheless, I have done my part. No regrets.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 12:31 AM
The change in me has begun. I don't really understand how I'm feeling. Either I have finally gotten used to the way we are handling the distance, or I'm just simply caring less and not giving a damn. Communication is the key, but at our current stage it's not gonna be much help, not at all until we see each other again for the first time after we made the decision.
Still, I'm looking forward to the trip, and nervous at the same time. Despite that I have a more-than-usual number of good friends of the opposite sex, something I have been trying to tone down and keep low ever since I committed myself to this long distance relationship, I'm not really a good handler of sexual tension when I'm around certain girls, or a
natural, in the language of the
game or whatever my friends and their people call it. I have so many mental images but I guess I won't know what exactly will happen until I'm in that kind of situation. Fingers crossed.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 1:56 AM
One and a half day of tranquility, in exchange for the totally messed up state of mind. It only happened to me once before. This is different. It's not my usual moodiness. It's anxiety and frustration. I feel like a volcano that is going to explode in any minute. I have absolutely no idea how long I can take it in this state.
You reap what you sow. There is slight hesitation, but I'm not regretting. I knew it would be difficult, so I jumped in without giving it too much thought. Burn down all my bridges, that's the way I have been doing things all the time. Still, I'm not really good at enduring tortures like this.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 12:01 AM
Tired. Sure I am. I'm tired of myself being so easily affected by any small little things she does or does not. Maybe some people are just more compatible, and some are fated not. I don't really believe in the latter, at least I choose not to believe it is happening to us. I guess it all goes down to how much I can change, or rather, I'm willing to change. Giving up is not my style, and in the first place I didn't do all these just for her. I guess no one else can truly see the selfish side of mine on the whole thing, no matter how I put them into words. My patience is definitely running out. Who knows? It might turn out to be what it's supposed to be eventually quite nicely.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 12:36 AM
I hate myself for being unable to contain my thoughts and emotions and let them accumulate and overflow every single time.
Why am I so doubtful and insecure about everything? .
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 12:17 AM
I guess this is the first time I'm totally letting my heart and emotions lead the way, and it's not gonna be easy. This is the most dangerous move I have made in my life. People say, don't think, just follow your instinct. I guess if it was the old me, I could have never done something so risky, and ridiculous. Do I want her to be the one? Definitely, without a doubt. Will she be the one? I've no idea, and I don't wanna fool myself. Relationships are bound to break up. I understand this very well, and yet I'm putting my heart and soul on this single bet that is never ending, until I miserably lose everything. If I fall this time, it will be a very hard one. There is no rationale behind what I'm doing, and I'm seriously not considering the consequences. I know I have gone crazy.
So this is how powerful it is.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 1:24 AM
For every second I feel like letting it continue is a torture, but I won't allow myself to give up this time, just like everything else I'm aiming for right now.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 11:28 PM
There is a song that has been stuck inside my head for a few days. I wanna listen to and sing along with it so much, but I dare not to let the thumping kick drum and bassline stop and switch to a song I know will get me depressed for the rest of the night.
Fuck. How can I fall for someone so deeply when she is not even anywhere around me.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 12:08 AM
I'm really blessed with the uber-ly awesome friends I have met throughout the different stages of my life. They are the best one can ever ask for. Thanks for the help and everything. Words can never describe how lucky I am to have you as my best friends.
It has been 3 weeks, ups and downs, or everything was all just in my head. There has never been much hope. Nevertheless, I wanna see how far I can go. It will hurt along the way, and honestly I'm not really prepared for it. I don't think I will understand the line "
I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all". I just wanna try. I'm not as strong, but for sure I feel more humane now.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 2:33 AM
A real dilemma. It's a decision that will change my entire life.
You don't have to deal with it just yet.My dear friend said I'm different ever since I was back from China. So was it her who changed me, or the one month back there did? I guess it doesn't matter.
I said I wouldn't contact her, but yet I'm talking to her every single day. Until then, I don't wish for anything more. I just want it to stay this way.
jotted by I-Am-Electronic @ 3:04 AM
